Survival of the Dumbest

A column of ideas we should not adopt, for our national sanity.

Disney's Keychest

A major innovation where film viewers can stream movies from cyberland on any format they want. Disney is developing this independent of all other studios--so that they can brand it. They'll probably make an animated cartoon of the Talking Keychest and then include the character in Spaceship Earth at Epcot. Just so you know it's Disney.

The terrifying angle is how they market this to parents:

A mother could start streaming Toy Story on a laptop for her kids, continue the film on an iPhone at a restaurant and finish it at home with a video-on-demand cable service ... [P]iracy, at least conceptually, would be less of a worry.

Who cares about piracy? I'm worried more about:

1.The ten-year-old laughing at Buzz and Woody while their parents twirl their pasta at Macaroni Grill. Parents should converse with their children at dinner. Yes, it's a secondary purpose of dining, but if you go out to eat, it's not just to avoid dishes but for ambience too. Relaxation, perhaps. Getting away from frantic domesticity. Tell your children that hot-fudge sundaes are the night's toys, and that they can only play if they make eye contact.

2. Should young kids have access to laptops? I first used the Internet in fifth grade and was monitored until I matriculated to middle school. Even then, I had to ask permission. We were also dial-up, which meant dragging a long shriveled cord across the upstairs, in front of the stairs (perfect for tripping) to my parents' bedroom's phone jack. It's great that we take Internet access All The Time, Every Time for granted. But is it? Kids should learn technology, but we don't need to force it upon them. It's like picking their nose: they will figure it out on their own. Let them watch Pixar on your high-def LCD screen.

3. OK, I am worried about piracy. But in the sense that having information streaming whenever you want it, on planes, trains, even automobiles, and switching among formats--all of that causes us to value the information less. Don't try to deny the truth.

Once upon a time, meaning ten years ago, you missed Friends. Your choices: call to see if your friends videotaped it on those antiquated VCRs, or wait until summer reruns. Then TiVo and DVR made scheduling simpler. In 2006, network channels posted their episodes online after they aired. In 2007, Hulu, a free service! Nowadays, I can find all of my Monday night sitcoms on certain websites where I don't need to download; no real illegal action on my part. And so I don't value paying for basic cable so much, because the content is elsewhere. I don't value must-see TV because I can't miss it--I can find it tomorrow, or next week!

I rarely see stupid movies in theaters for $8.25 and up; they're already available on Torrent websites, so why force me to waste my money on content already out there? But everyone's desperate for our 2.5-second attention spans. There are things we should value: Quality entertainment. Undivided attention. Eating dinners as a family. Together.