The Seven Last Words on the Gloss

This isn't a rant against bad writing, but more against unnecessary words that pop up in professional writing. Academia can mold -isms galore and transform nouns into verbs willy-nilly, but those of us writing for the educated common man have a responsibility to not insult him. Here are my votes for words that need a cooldown:

1. Pretentious. Guys, Eternal Sunshine was so pretentious, I just couldn't get into it. You would like opera; it's so pretentious. He painted a black canvas and hung it pretentiously in the MoMA. We've all bantered this word about, but rarely with meaning. I didn't get it, so obviously it was pretentious. The term actually means "assuming dignity or importance," or "making an exaggerated outward show." I'd wager that Cher and Madonna on an off-day, with concert tours of flashing lights and 30 costume changes, are much more outwardly exaggerated and self-important than anything showing at the MoMA. But nobody ever calls them pretentious, because they're mainstream. Maybe we're really searching for "esoteric" (or just wishing we understood it in the first place).

2. Ironically. More often than not, we mean "appropriately" or "fittingly." I dressed up as a Kit Kat bar for Halloween, and ironically I got more Kit Kats than any other candy in my bag. Nope, try again. Better yet, just don't say it's ironic at all. Most people are smart enough to get that on their own (unless it's overwhelmingly pretentious!).

3. Respectively. I'm really hating on the adverbs. But when you list three people and then three subsequent descriptions, isn't it obvious that they correspond in order? A parkway and a driveway, ironically, are where you drive and park respectively. All the subtlety of a Mack truck.

4. Ever. From NYTimes.com: "Who ever knew the second president could be so appealing? The DVD set of "John Adams" ... has quickly become one of the company's fastest-selling series ever." It sounds so Seventeen, doesn't it? It's conceivable that someone in the history of existence knew that Adams was a charming fellow, Abigail for starters. As for the second "ever," thank goodness it clarifies. DVDs have been out for a whopping ten years. Nothing like writers helping you parse through the eons of DVD sales to provide some context.

5. Utilize/ironical/desiderated/instantaneously. Examples of the "more is less" phenomenon. If I slip in use/ironic/desired/at once, respectively of course, wouldn't they suffice? 

6. Archaic usage. Check out newyorker.com for the "Red Sex, Blue Sex" article. Margaret Talbot, the ultimate prescriptivist, will not let her language be sullied. And so she utilizes spellings like "teen-ager," "per cent," and "debut" with an acute accent over it, perhaps to give the French some credit after the whole freedom fries debacle. I'd hate for her desiderated superiority to give way in the age of the World Wide Web, electronic messaging, and cellular telephones. 

7. What the [heck]? The Washington Post has this twee habit of replacing expletives with precious kindergarden euphemisms. What a load of [cow manure], no? Is this to guard against teen-age eyes learning words they haven't seen? Somewhat ironical, though, when the Post writes "a sex spoof called (I think we can print this) 'Star Whores'" in its review of "Zack and Miri." Aw, golly gee, it's a dirty word! Seems pretty self-important of these [sillyheads] to sneer at base language usage. Can we say most pretentious newspaper ever?