Spam-a-whole-lot

Short and sweet tonight. You should open your spam folder, if you're lucky enough to have any unread messages, and delight in the complete and entire absurdity. Note: I didn't actually open any of the messages or any attachments and allow their viral infections to spread.

My current four beloved spammers:

1. "Places to visit." Looks innocuous. Maybe they are reading my blog. The sender's name, though, is Cynthia Hiajyfq. Is that an American Indian tribe I haven't come across? Or, when doling out last names to the blacksmith (Smith) or the local philanthropist (Green), the official sur-naming committee ran into an alcoholic drunk-texting his friends and knew exactly what to call him/her.

2. "Hi! It's Jane, from school." Hi Jane. Oh, from school! 'Cause that's specific since I've only been in school 18 of my nearing-23 years. I guess I went to Shakespeare rehearsals with a Jane, and we talked once. And who's the sender? Is it Jane? Nope: Mariano. (Post-it note: submit to Fail Blog.)

3. "The Erotic Films History of Turkey -- The First All-Turkish..." Enticing. My buddy Peterschick (as he must be known in the hood) is aware I'm a film guy. I wonder, is it an erotic film that follows the lusty growth of Turkish civilization, or is it an overview of Turkish erotic cinema? I opened up the memo to see (don't try this at home!). Behold, a description that answers all my questions: "Utrine Ruins W. VVa. Courthouse Shrubbery." Oh.

4. "How to Get Any Gril Too Sleep With You." My Internet pen pal Hieb has lined up some tips he says I can "masqter" right now. Hey, I know it gets cold at night, but I don't want to be cuddling with my George Foreman any time soon.

Okay, let's read it as intended. Men/lesbians/anyone who's curious, do we really want any girl to sleep with us? I mean, any girl? Are our standards so low that they just have to be a girl? 'Cause if any is really the goal, there are better websites to peruse. So I've heard.

This one comes with breaking news: "Crackdown launched on rogue treaslure hutnters." So Aesop says, get any girl to sleep with you, good; hunting for buried treasure, bad. Mixed message?


Updated 6/21: Oh, it gets better. Today's spam e-mail: "33 Ways too Turn your Woman into a Sexual Aggressor." I wonder if those Turkish erotic films gave me a head start in this direction.