Out of Your Census

Welcome to your 2010 United States census. It's so much easier than your taxes. No penalties, no spreadsheets, no schedules. In the census, there are clearcut, completely incontestable instructions.

Quick quiz: If you have three people living in your house, how many do you count? All of them. What if one's a baby? Count him too. Now it's time for the big, important question:

Remember, we are counting all people who live and sleep here Most Of The Time. Let's move on:

Who wasn't included in Question 1? Children? Newborn babies? (Didn't the instructions say to include babies in Question 1? Where else would children sleep--their treehouse?) I can understand visiting in-laws, but I'm flummoxed by roommates and live-in baby sitters. If they pay rent or "live in," doesn't that mean they are living here?


Okay, honey, I brought home a hobo. He doesn't have a place to stay, so he'll sleep here the night of April 1. I guess he, if anybody, fits the bill for Question 2. But wait--let's revisit the official Question 1 instructions:

So even Elmer the Homeless Man counts as "people staying here" in Question 1. We'll keep going:

There are other mysteries in the 2010 census. To determine Person 1, we will "start with a person living here who owns or rents," or "start with any adult living here." Then what helpful advice does Person 1 receive just below?

When on God's green, census-tabulated earth would Person 1 ever be a baby less than 1 year old? Person 1 has more explaining to do. See, the official Question 1 instructions also said not to count people--oh, I don't know--in college or a nursing home or jail.

So what will they ask us about Person 1's place of residence? You've guessed it by now:

I'm really curious to know "all that apply" to some people. Yes, I live here, but also in a nursing home, and, let's see, in prison too. 

I spent two minutes filling out the census and about twenty compiling this blog post, not to mention scanning time. But somewhere out there, Person 1 is tearing his/her hair out. Remember, this was supposed to be quick and easy. Don't believe me? Official census survey says: