Blowing in the wind

Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

How many roads must a man walk down before he turns into Brad Pitt? Former Best Picture winner Benjamin Button must now learn to hang its face in shame, for Slumdog the underdog seems unstoppable. But don't give up hope, Mr. Button; I'm here to assess just how well you fit the shoes of 2008's Oscar-winning epic. And, really, the shoes of a certain 1994 epic, too.

Titular man with kick-ass moniker: He even comes equipped with a hefty dose of computer imaging. Disappointingly, he never gets to say "I'm Benjamin, Benjamin Button."
Childhood home in the Deep South: His mama isn't spouting aphorisms about chocolate this go-around, but he does grow up in a rambling old house full of guests. Sadly, none achieve the fame of Elvis.
What a storyteller: Some people just narrate from park benches; Benjamin had the wherewithall to keep a journal.
Meets the love of his life before 10: Just like peas and carrots, except here the peas look really old and the carrots very young.
Graduates from leg braces: And eventually, Brad Pitt graduates from five-foot-tall stand-ins.
First sexual experience in a brothel: In 1994, it was a sorority house, but who's counting?
Inspires legends to pursue their dreams: Brad Pitt only inspires fictional people, such as Tilda Swinton's English-channel swimmer. He lets her take care of the athletics rather than running his own way.
First man on deck: Where hurricanes once wiped out shrimp boats, here U-boats are the casualties. (Ships, especially when they sink, are extra points toward winning an Oscar.)
Questionable literary pedigree: Yes, it's F. Scott Fitzgerald. But a 167-minute film based on a 20-page story?
Reuniting with the whitest girl on the planet: Robin Wright Penn, no chance against Cate Blanchett. Tracy Morgan confirmed this at the Golden Globes in his tribute to post-racial America.
A Symbol of Destiny that bookends the film: Keep your feather. Button's got a giant clock that ticks backward.
The scourge of God: Just as AIDS takes out Jenny before her time, here Hurricane Katrina looms. The present-day moments, in which the story is read aloud, detract from the inventiveness of the film and Brad Pitt's de-aging. Part of the joy of a film like Button is suspending yourself in the storytelling and the milieu of the South, surrounded by kooky vignettes and characters reminiscent of Tim Burton. But the outer story almost redeems itself with...
An inspirational final shot that suggests our weight on earth continues beyond our lifetime. After Crash, The Departed, and No Country for Old Men, might we return to our feel-good Oscar movie? Even Titanic achieved this final shot, hard work considering the ship still sank.